A man told the doctor he had severe neck pains, throbbing headaches, and dizzy spells. After a thorough examination, the doctor said there was no mistake about it -- he had only two months to live. The doomed man decided to spend all his money and enjoy his remaining life. First, he'd get something he always longed for -- a dozen tailor-made silk shirts.

While measuring him, the tailor said, "That's a size 17 neck."

"Hold on," said the man, "I wear a 15 1/2."

The tailor remeasured him: "You're definitely size 17".

The man insisted: "I'm a 15 1/2. I always wear a 15 1/2, and that's what I want."

"Okay," said the tailor, "but if you wear a 15 1/2, you'll have severe neck pains, throbbing headaches, and dizzy spells."

Know how to make a small fortune in the stock market? ...
Start with a large fortune.

----

Bartender to pink elephant: "He's not here yet."

----

Twenty prisoners escaped from a chain gang. They got past the guard by
posing as a giant charm bracelet.

----

One goldfish to another: "If there's no god, who changes the water?"

----

Know what's good for mosquitoes? ....
Let 'em bite you. They enjoy that.

----

Bystander: "I see you are putting up a new building."
Foreman: "This company has a strict policy. We never put up an old one."

----

"What are you doing?"

Baby lion: "I'm chasing a hunter around a tree."

"How many times have I told you not to play with your food?"